Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never needed glasses. He just drank from the bottle.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
My uncle works in a watch factory. He just stands about all day and makes faces.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
A cemetery raised its burial service fees. They blamed it on the cost of living.
My
whole childhood was a blur. It turns out
I just needed glasses.
Did you hear that Fedex and UPS are merging together? The new company will be called FedUp.
Did you hear that Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are merging? The new site will be called YouTwitFace.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Credit
cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody comes after me
with scissors.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My grandfather started walking a mile a day at age 90. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
A wife asked her husband what he wanted for his birthday. He replied, "I want something metal and shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds." She got him a bathroom scale.
The elevator didn’t feel well. It felt it was coming down with something.
I
couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I
got home, all the signs were there.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
My
father married Mrs. Right. He just didn’t know her first name was “Always."
I read that the big chicken farms pump their chickens full of antibiotics. That would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
My uncle got fired from the orange juice company. He couldn't concentrate.
My friend’s bakery burned down a couple days ago. Now his business is toast.
My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
I told my coworkers we were going on a vacation to Hershey, PA. One said, “It’s a great family destination, but beware of the nightlife. They've got nuts in the bars there.”
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
I made ten entries into a pun-writing contest for the local paper, figuring one would surely win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Have you tried that new restaurant on the moon? The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.
