A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits at the counter. The bartender says, “Hey, did you know there’s a drink named after you?” The grasshopper responds, “Really? Why would anyone want to name a drink Bob?”
A guy walks into a bar holding jumper cables. The bartender says, "Hey, don't you go starting something."
A string with some ruffled ends walks into a bar after tying himself into a bow. Bartender says "Hey aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string replies, “No, I am a frayed knot.”
A dog walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into the bra?
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A germ walked into a bar and the bartender said, “We don’t serve bacteria in this place.” The germ said, “But I work here, I’m staph.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices three large pieces of steak are nailed to the ceiling of the bar, and he asks the bartender about them. The bartender replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to take a chance?” The man thinks about it for a minute and says, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He asks for a beer and a mop.
A hamburger walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a menu. The bartender looks down at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth ducks.
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting alone. He asks, "Outside? Under? Around? Over?” The woman gives him a nasty look and asks, "Are you trying to preposition me?"
An atom walks into a bar and says, "I've lost my electrons." The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" The atom replies, "Yes. I'm positive."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Pint of............... beer please." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
A man walks into a bar and walks over to the bartender. While he is waiting to be served he hears this tiny voice say, "I like your tie!" He looks around but no one is there, so he ignores it. He hears the voice again. "You have lovely eyes!" "Nice shirt. Your hair cut is wonderful!" Again, the man sees no one around, and is scared and confused. The bartender comes back and asks the man what is wrong, he explains he keeps hearing these voices. The bartender laughs and says, "Don't worry about that, it's just the peanuts. They’re complementary.”
A pony walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The pony says, "I'll take a glass of water." The bartender asks, "Is that all?" The pony says, "Yeah, I'm just a little horse."
A man walks into a bar with a lizard in his hand. The bartender point to the lizard and asks, "Who's that?" The man replies, "Oh, this? This is Tiny." The bartender asks, "Well, why'd you name him Tiny?" The man replies, "Because he's my newt."
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here."
An E-flat walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”