A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just decided to quit drinking."
An office worker was leaving the office at 6 pm when she found an executive standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the executive, “this is very important, and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” she said. She turned the shredding machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Great,” said the executive as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Jim walks into his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a five percent raise, and Jim happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” asks the boss, “Which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, the water company, and the phone company!”
A man thought his wife was going deaf, but she denied it. So he decided to test her. He walked up ten feet behind her and said, "Honey can you hear me?" No answer. He moved up to five feet behind her and said, "Honey can you hear me?" Still no answer. So he goes up right next to her and says, "Honey can you hear me?!" She turns and yells, "For the third time, YES!"
A young woman had dated the same man for 15 years and was wondering if they’d ever get married. The man took her out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. As she read the menu, the waiter asked, “How would you like your rice- fried, steamed or boiled?” “Thrown,” she replied.
A high school senior got a homework assignment to ask a veteran about serving in the military. He knew his grandfather served in World War II, so he visited him the nursing home. After a few basic questions, the boy very gingerly asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone?” His grandfather got very quiet and sat still. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service held in a rural area. The bagpiper was not familiar with the area, and got lost on the way there. He arrived an hour late, and saw that the service had ended. All family members were gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. Only the diggers were left. The bagpiper ran up and apologized for being late. He looked down and saw that the vault lid was already in place. Feeling bad about missing the service, the bagpiper started to play. The diggers put down their tools and began to gather around. The bagpiper played Amazing Grace with his full heart and soul, and the workers began to weep. When the bagpiper finished, the workers stood there silently, emotional from his performance. As the bagpiper started to walk away, one of the workers said, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
One night, a cop pulls over a drunk guy going the wrong way on a one-way street. The cop asks the drunk, "Didn't you see those arrows?" The drunk guy answers in a slurred drawl, "Hell, I didn't even see the Indians!"
A snail went to a car dealership to get a new car. He wrote into the contract that he wanted the letter “S” painted on the side of the car. The car salesman asked, “Why?” The snail replied, “Because when I drive by, I want people to say ‘look at that little S-car go!”
An old man was attending his wife's funeral. The pastor was praying the last prayer when suddenly there were several loud claps of thunder and terrible strikes of lighting. The old man looked up into the pastor's face and said, “She's arrived."
A state police officer sitting on the side of the highway sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Thinking this car is just as dangerous as a speeder, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. When the officer approaches the car, he notices there are five very old women inside, and all the passengers look scared and pale white. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," says the officer, "You were driving so low belong the speed limit that you are a danger to others.” The old woman said, "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!" The officer explained that the “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the police officer for pointing out her error. The officer said, "But before I let you go ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't uttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they will be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A man is watching a movie in a theatre, when notices the guy beside him has a dog watching the film with him. The man soon realizes this dog isn't just watching the film, but it's fully understanding and enjoying it. It growls at the bad guy, pants happily at the good guy, and wags its tail at the exciting parts. The man, shocked, turns and says to the guy beside him, "I'm really shocked that your dog loves this movie so much!" "Me too!" says the second guy. "He hated the book!"
A man who is a big fan of Beethoven goes to the graveyard where he's buried to pay his respects. While he is standing in front of the tombstone, he starts to hear Beethoven's 9th Symphony, but it's playing backwards. He looks around and doesn't see any speakers, but the sound continues. He walks over towards the grave keeper's house and asks him, “Hey, do you ever hear Beethoven's 9th symphony going backwards over by his tomb?” The grave keeper looks confused for a second, then something clicks in his mind and he replies, “Oh, I know what that was. You were just hearing Beethoven. He was decomposing.”
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 75 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.” Chief: “What sort of problem?” Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.” Chief: “Important like the governor?” Cop: “Way more important than that.” Chief: “Like the president?” Cop: “Much more important.” Chief: "Who's more important than the president?" Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope driving for him!"
A chicken walks into a library one day, struts over to the librarian and says “Buk?” the librarian, a bit shocked says “You want a book?” The chicken nods his head and repeats, “Buk!” so the librarian gives the chicken a book, and the chicken leaves. The chicken comes back the next day, returns the first book, and says “Buk Buk?” the librarian says "You want two books?" the chicken nods and the librarian places two new book under the chicken's wings, and the chicken leaves again. The next day the chicken returns, angrily throws down the two books and says "Buk! Buk! BUUUUUK!" and the librarian says "You want three books, two short ones and one long one?" The chicken nods and the librarian hands him the books. This time, however, the librarian is curious, and decides to follow the chicken to see where he’s taking the books and what he is doing with them. the librarian sneaks out after the chicken when he leaves, and follows him all the way through town, holding two short books under one wing and the long one under the other. The chicken makes his way out of town, and into the woods and into the swamp. The chicken throws the books down on the ground and loudly announces “Buk! Buk! BUUUUUK!!!” A frog hops out in front of the chicken, looks at the books, shrugs and says “Reddit! Reddit! Reddit!”
A man gets a parrot from the pet store. After he has the parrot for a week, he discovers the parrot can talk. Only, this parrot swears constantly. The man is driven crazy by the bird’s bad words and he screams at the bird to stop. The parrot just keeps swearing more and more. One day, the man has enough. He takes the bird and puts him in the freezer. Five minutes later, figuring the bird will stop, he opens the door. The parrot assures the man he won’t swear anymore. The man puts the parrot back in his cage. The parrot says, “There’s just one thing I gotta know. What did the turkey do?”
A man is carrying a grandfather's clock to the repair shop to have it fixed. As he rounds a corner, he can't see ahead, and he knocks down a little old lady. Picking herself up, the lady shouts to him, "Young man, why don't you wear a watch like everyone else?"
A man was seriously ill at home. To make things easier on everyone, his bed was moved to the living room of the house. All of his family gathered around him to be with him. One evening, he turned to his wife. He said, “my dear, are you here?” “Yes,” replied his wife. He asked, “And children, are they here?” His sons and daughters replied, “yes, we’re here for you too.” The man asked, “And my friends, they are all here too?” His friends said they were all there, gathered around the bed. Then the man asked, “Well, if you’re all here, why is the light on in the kitchen?”