Pacer Jokes: Bad Jokes and Groaners

 Why was the archeologist so upset? His career was in ruins.


Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.


How did the tree get on the computer? It logged in.


Why do ghosts like health food? Because it’s super natural.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.


What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show.


What type of ship does a vampire own? A blood vessel.


What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."


What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  Because the “P” is silent!


Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.


Why do melons get married in church? Because they cantaloupe.


What did one plate say to the other plate? “Lunch is on me!”


What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize.


What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?  He wanted to get a long little doggie.


Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.


Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.


Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.


How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.


What did the shy pebble say?  “I wish I was a little boulder.”


Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, “Hey, does this taste funny to you?”


Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.


What did the fish say when he hit a wall? "Dam."


What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Hula Hoop? Ring around the Collie.


What did one candle say to the other?   “I'll be going out tonight.”


What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.


What did the mother buffalo say to his son as he was leaving for school? Bison.


A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why are we quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


How many times could old Noah go fishing?  Only twice. He only had two worms.



I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer onto the bottom shelf of the fridge.


Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?


Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.


I am known at the gym as the "before picture."


The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise, but the fire trucks ruined it.


The real “Game of Thrones” for runners is trying to find a clean porta-potty.


My house is so filthy that a burglar woke me up and said, "you live like this?"


I joined a guided meditation group- I still got lost.


What does a pirate charge for an ear of corn? A buck an ear.


I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A garage sale is actually a garbage sale but the "b" is silent.


When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”


The last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.


What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!


Why couldn't the skeleton play music in the church? Because he didn't have any organs.


What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.


What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"


What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.


What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.


I bought Bonnie Tyler's used car. It runs ok most of the time, but every now and then it falls apart.


I used to have marble counter tops but I took them for granite.


How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.


What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.


Apple has developed a new high tech toilet. It’s called the iPeed.


Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!


Why does Snoop Dogg carry an Umbrella? Fo Drizzle.


Two cannibals went to a wedding and toasted the bride and groom.


I took my laptop on a boat and accidentally dropped it in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.


Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? He wanted to make up for a lousy summer.


I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.


There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today.  I ate a sandwich named Kevin.


On my first day on the job at an IKEA store, my boss told me that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."


My annual performance review says I lack "passion and intensity.”  I guess management hasn't seen me alone with a bag of potato chips.


Growing older means being responsible enough to put important things in a safe place- and then forgetting where that safe place is.


How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.


Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


My sister and her husband divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God’s gift to the world and she didn’t.


I’m such a bad cook my specialty is indigestion.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.


Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


My sister and her husband divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God’s gift to the world and she didn’t.


I’m such a bad cook my specialty is indigestion.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


Why did the little boy put his teddy bear in the freezer? Because he wanted a polar bear.


Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to the toga party dressed as a goat?


I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.


I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.


Every family has a nut. If you look around and don’t see one, it’s you.


I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.


I took my dog to a bonfire. As he sat there staring at it blankly, I realized I was burning a giant pile of his toys.


I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.


I bought a coat made entirely of Velcro the other day. What a massive rip-off.


Have you heard about the new memoir? It tells the tale of one librarian's journey of self-discovery.  It’s called "Our Books, Our Shelves."


A pickpocket stole the midget’s wallet. It’s hard to believe someone could stoop so low.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


I tried to play Monopoly with Bono last night. It didn't go well. The streets had no name.


A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.


I’m so bad at keeping plants alive.  My mother gave me a big beautiful rose tree, and now it looks like a corsage.


The alphabet has 26 letters, right? But when I recite it, I only come up with 25. I can't remember why.


Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.


The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.


The elevator didn’t feel well. It felt it was coming down with something.


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


What do you get after you have alphabet soup for lunch?  A vowel movement.


My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.


I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting!


A vulture boards an airplane with two dead snakes. The flight attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."


Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide to make an action flick with music composers as the heroes.  Stallone says “I'll be Mozart.”  Norris says, “I’ll be Beethoven.”  Schwarzenegger says, “I'LL BE BACH.”



Jokes about steak are a rare medium well done.


I have kleptomania.  When it gets bad, I take something for it.


I made ten entries into a pun-writing contest for the local paper, figuring one would surely win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Did you hear about the Italian chef? He pasta way. The doctors told his family, "We cannoli do so much." I never sausage a sad family.


Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.


I always enjoyed watching chickens walk around. It’s like poultry in motion.


What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"


Why aren’t koalas actual bears?  The don’t meet the koalafications.


Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.


What did the tall chimney say to the small chimney?  "Hey, you’re way too young to smoke."


What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.


Two peanuts were walking through the park. One was assaulted.


Who is Ronald McDonald's favorite rock star? McJagger.


What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint crashed into an island?  The sailors were marooned.


What do you call a teacher who can only fart at home? A private tutor.


What do you call a dead spruce tree? A nevergreen.